Hi Elisabeth, I appreciate the honesty of your last post, and I have been meaning to write back to you. Everything that you said resonates with me. I recently retired from the practice of law and am about to retire from being a Scholar at Brandeis University and still seem to five myself exhausted much of the time between writing and art. Then I cut back on art and still.... On one hand its great to have so many interests and curiosities, and on the other hand excitement and exhaustion seem to be bedmates. I recently realized (or maybe accepted is a better word, because I have sort of known it for some time) that I am synesthesic (e.g. get a tactile "echo" when I see or listen to things, physically feel what others are doing or receiving, etc.) and hyperphantasic (e.g. have an elaborate imagination and can animate it or parts of it)-- which probably is true for lots of creative people, especially those drawn to multiple fields. I think that is one reason I get so exhausted, but I am still learning how to integerate it into my life rather than trying to ignore it. BTW-- going to law school and being a lawyer was a wonderful thing for me in that it made me understand how the constructed world worked, but there's a lot of stress and conflict there and the field has changed a lot in the last twenty years. If you ever want to talk about that, I'm happy to do so. nbballard@comcast.net
Hi Connor - thank you for this thoughtful and open sharing... I hope your Monday is going better than feared/trepidated. It's such a strange thing to have sleep be so hard to get, exhaustion so hard to stanch. It makes me think of how back in earlier and mid-century decades, all the modern conveniences of technology were seen as opening up a world of less exhaustion, less work, more time. And somehow we just filled in all that freed-up time.
Yes, when you say "well, I've been able to remain a creative and productive person in spite of these obstacles" it echoes a gentle reprimand I've often heard from another close friend who, whenever I lament the unfinished projects and talk about my fear of dying, always counters with pointing out how much I HAVE accomplished, and how much I have finished, and how much I've experienced. It is always sobering and good to flip the focus from what I haven't done to what I have.
So yes, writing one thing is always a victory. I've been recently practicing this in all aspects of my life, in all the ways I want to better myself. Instead of setting unattainable and harsh guidelines or goals, I'm gently nudging myself each day to do something (a variety of things) with just a little bit more self-compassion or awareness. It feels good to watch my tiny, teeny, gentle progress.
I set aside the last four weeks as a "winter break," and that concludes tomorrow; I'm looking at Monday with a lot of trepidation. One of my big goals during this time was to get caught up on sleep, and if I didn't really exceed at that, I can at least say that I'm less utterly exhausted than I was by early December.
When I look back on, say, 20 years ago, when my ethos was still "throw caution to the wind and do everything," necessary compromises always seemed to get in the way. First, it was just paying the rent. Then it was the responsibilities of parenting. Now that my kids are older and require less constant supervision, the elusive free time is being sucked up by health stuff. I just get tired a lot sooner than I used to.
I've been trying hard to feel positive in spite of all this. On the one hand, I am constantly falling behind goals that are only really possible in idealized circumstances; this *is* discouraging. But then, it does seem reasonable to say: well, I've been able to remain a creative and productive person in spite of all these obstacles. Writing one thing this week is still better than writing zero. I can't say that I've really convinced myself, but the effort feels healthy.
I'm definitely feeling this right now. I've had a lot of unfinished projects on the burner, but the need to make money has always hindered me from completing my own projects. Trying to get other jobs has felt soul - crushing because it wasn't ever what I wanted to do. I like monetizing my work mainly because it brings me into contact with other writers, through my teaching, and that's something that definitely sustains me, but not always enough. Recently I think I've found a pretty good creative-monetized - work - life balance. I now work half time doing childcare and half time writing/teaching writing. The childcare jobs bring in some guaranteed income, which takes the pressure off my creative life to always be hustling. Meanwhile, the kids bring me lots of inspiration and time to think about what really matters. It isn't rest, but the work definitely gets me thinking and moving and emoting in new ways that help me balance out the intense time I spend thinking hard at my desk. . . I hope you find a work-life-monetize-create- rest balance soon.
Hi Elisabeth, I appreciate the honesty of your last post, and I have been meaning to write back to you. Everything that you said resonates with me. I recently retired from the practice of law and am about to retire from being a Scholar at Brandeis University and still seem to five myself exhausted much of the time between writing and art. Then I cut back on art and still.... On one hand its great to have so many interests and curiosities, and on the other hand excitement and exhaustion seem to be bedmates. I recently realized (or maybe accepted is a better word, because I have sort of known it for some time) that I am synesthesic (e.g. get a tactile "echo" when I see or listen to things, physically feel what others are doing or receiving, etc.) and hyperphantasic (e.g. have an elaborate imagination and can animate it or parts of it)-- which probably is true for lots of creative people, especially those drawn to multiple fields. I think that is one reason I get so exhausted, but I am still learning how to integerate it into my life rather than trying to ignore it. BTW-- going to law school and being a lawyer was a wonderful thing for me in that it made me understand how the constructed world worked, but there's a lot of stress and conflict there and the field has changed a lot in the last twenty years. If you ever want to talk about that, I'm happy to do so. nbballard@comcast.net
Hi Connor - thank you for this thoughtful and open sharing... I hope your Monday is going better than feared/trepidated. It's such a strange thing to have sleep be so hard to get, exhaustion so hard to stanch. It makes me think of how back in earlier and mid-century decades, all the modern conveniences of technology were seen as opening up a world of less exhaustion, less work, more time. And somehow we just filled in all that freed-up time.
Yes, when you say "well, I've been able to remain a creative and productive person in spite of these obstacles" it echoes a gentle reprimand I've often heard from another close friend who, whenever I lament the unfinished projects and talk about my fear of dying, always counters with pointing out how much I HAVE accomplished, and how much I have finished, and how much I've experienced. It is always sobering and good to flip the focus from what I haven't done to what I have.
So yes, writing one thing is always a victory. I've been recently practicing this in all aspects of my life, in all the ways I want to better myself. Instead of setting unattainable and harsh guidelines or goals, I'm gently nudging myself each day to do something (a variety of things) with just a little bit more self-compassion or awareness. It feels good to watch my tiny, teeny, gentle progress.
I set aside the last four weeks as a "winter break," and that concludes tomorrow; I'm looking at Monday with a lot of trepidation. One of my big goals during this time was to get caught up on sleep, and if I didn't really exceed at that, I can at least say that I'm less utterly exhausted than I was by early December.
When I look back on, say, 20 years ago, when my ethos was still "throw caution to the wind and do everything," necessary compromises always seemed to get in the way. First, it was just paying the rent. Then it was the responsibilities of parenting. Now that my kids are older and require less constant supervision, the elusive free time is being sucked up by health stuff. I just get tired a lot sooner than I used to.
I've been trying hard to feel positive in spite of all this. On the one hand, I am constantly falling behind goals that are only really possible in idealized circumstances; this *is* discouraging. But then, it does seem reasonable to say: well, I've been able to remain a creative and productive person in spite of all these obstacles. Writing one thing this week is still better than writing zero. I can't say that I've really convinced myself, but the effort feels healthy.
I'm definitely feeling this right now. I've had a lot of unfinished projects on the burner, but the need to make money has always hindered me from completing my own projects. Trying to get other jobs has felt soul - crushing because it wasn't ever what I wanted to do. I like monetizing my work mainly because it brings me into contact with other writers, through my teaching, and that's something that definitely sustains me, but not always enough. Recently I think I've found a pretty good creative-monetized - work - life balance. I now work half time doing childcare and half time writing/teaching writing. The childcare jobs bring in some guaranteed income, which takes the pressure off my creative life to always be hustling. Meanwhile, the kids bring me lots of inspiration and time to think about what really matters. It isn't rest, but the work definitely gets me thinking and moving and emoting in new ways that help me balance out the intense time I spend thinking hard at my desk. . . I hope you find a work-life-monetize-create- rest balance soon.